Relationships.

Wow, okay, so I’ve realised it’s been forever. As you can see this is about relationshippy stuff. 

Me and my girlfriend broke up back in August. 

On my birthday too.

So, obviously it’s been awhile and I’m mostly over it, but now I’m single and that’s both amazing and it SUCKS. 

I have crushes on everyone. Like EVERYONE I MEET HELP. Also, prom is coming up and I want to ask someone to come with me, but I’m so shy. I cri. ;-; 

Help. Relationships are hard. I miss kissing too. Like, kissing and cuddling was my shit and now I have no one to do that with. 

Hello again. 

Dear God, it’s been forever! Hello there, it’s me Andrew the smol bean. 

So, update. I got a new phone and forgot to install WordPress. Plus, my parents started this bullshit system of turning in my phone at night, but fuck that. 

I wore pants to school! If you didn’t know, my parents are super fickingnejwjqjw religious and believe ‘girls should wear skirts cause it’s modest’, which – not meaning to be rude to anyone who believes this – is stupid to me. Like. I don’t mind if you do it, but dear gOD, don’t force me to do it too. 

So I wore a skirt to school, took it off and wore pants, and then put it back on when I go home, which is a real shit plan once I get caught, but it makes me feel good about myself. 

Also, I’m in high school/college, woo! I have Monday and Wednesday college classes and then the rest is independent study. I had been barely keeping up (and being behind for quite awhile), but now I’m determined as hell to get ahead. 

The sooner I graduate the sooner I can move out for college!

That’s so important to me and I can’t wait to graduate. 

I’ll make more indicidual posts for these things later, promise!

How am I supposed to do this?!

OKAY SO. 

I was having a lovely time with my insomnia, watching Nick Camryn videos because I’m a smol bean trying to reassure myself in life that I’ll one day look how I feel when I realise –

I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DO MY OWN TESTOSTERONE INJECTIONS. 

HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO STICK A NEEDLE IN MYSELF – FUCK NO. 

Let me assure you that I’m quite scared of blood, needles, anything that touches my ears, mouth, eyes kinda areas. I’m especially paranoid of dentists and – you guess it – needles!

HahahahahHAHA – FUCK. 

I am actually going to die from one of the one things I want most. Yay. Dammit. 

Theatre and shit

Theatre and photography are probably the one two things that are somewhat school related that I’ve ever really wanted to do (other than psychology and chemistry, but those don’t count *happy giggles*). I mean, sure, they aren’t really going to help me in my future career too much, but they sound fun as fuck! Especially theatre! 

I’ve realised perhaps because of my usual appearance of long blonde hair and glasses I won’t exactly get the roles I prefer – male roles, but the hope is always there. I mean, hell, when I have the non-laziness to do it I can somehow put that chewbacca amount of gold hair into a beanie and it look flat (which can be a pain to be honest). 

I suppose, I’m not going to get what I want for a long while. Three years isn’t really that long of a wait, considering other people and their situations, but part of me longs to be known as my proper gender in high school, you know? People always tell me to enjoy being young (mostly because I’m rather mature and a bit closed off at times), but that’s a bit hard when all you’re doing is waiting for you to be legally allowed to move away from your parents. I want to enjoy high school with jeans and flannel shirts, short hair, and binders. Talking to guys about my girlfriend and how adorable she is and shit like that, but here I am, blonde hair and all.

Fuck that shit though. I’m just as much guy as anyone else. I know I angrily rant on here, forgive me please. And maybe once I’m more independent and not afraid of my mother I’ll get my hair cut and wear what I want, but for now… I’m just here, and I’ll be okay.  

Me? Me. 

I’m fourteen still. I’m a smol bean, but I thought maybe a photo of me would be nice. I’m sure as hell no one I know (that I’m scared of finding out about me) uses Word Press, and if they do I’m sure they’re not on ftm stuff (or are they).

So, yeah. Here’s me. 

SO YEAH HELLO FACE. 

I wore my hair up to church like this once and I was super scared someone was going to try to sacrifice me because everyone is super judgemental there, but then I got home and my confidence was at 563%. It was pretty cool. 

No one gets onto me because they CAN’T. Ha! I’m not “sinning” by wearing a suit vest and tie or by wearing my hair to make it look short, so what can they do? Nothing. Ha. 

Yep, so yeah, I’m proud. A little. 

I try. 

Bye, peoples. 

School…?

Haha, so.. This is a new blog and you don’t know I’m homeschooled (only because I’m skipping a grade is all). However, next year I’m going to an early college (high school and college pretty much, in case you didn’t know). 

I have mixed feelings. My parents/family is Christian so I can’t cut my hair short (my hair is fucking long). I can’t get binders/packers. I CAN’T EVEN WEAR TROUSERS. So. I feel like I might die, but at the same time I think I might be able to find LGBT+ friends (other than my girlfriend and my best friend who is an ally). 

Not to mention since it’s (technically public-charter) a public school, I’m hoping there will be some sort of LGBT+ club/event/sOMETHING I’M LONELY. 

I want to wear my hair up, you know? Hide it with a beanie and look how I feel, but then fUCK. Hello, skirts. I’m so happy my family forces me to wear you! Totally, totally doesn’t cause ANY dysphoria. *sarcastic as I cry*

Hell, I’m nearly fifteen, and when I’m sixteen I’ll have a driver’s licence and be able to go out when I want, work a job without anyone driving me, and that type of stuff. I don’t remember the legal requirements, but if it’s possibly I’m getting my own credit card and fuck yeah I’m buying myself whatever the fuck I want. 

That’s just a year away for me and I have to keep positive. I see other trans people going on because they don’t have enough money for top/bottom surgery, and I get why they’d be upset. However, I’m here and I’m like you can fucking cut your hair and wear trousers. They don’t realise how lucky they are and I don’t want to whine about it. All I have to do is survive until I’m sixteen and I can start going out as a boy, but at home I’d still have to act like a girl. Then, two years after that I’ll be free. 

Stay positive, please. Some of you don’t realise how lucky you are, and I’m so proud of you kind of people. 

I just have to keep positive myself. 

Ugh, God. 

Today’s Sunday. Which means church. Yay. *Sarcasm hint, hint*

Ugh, God (fuck off, please and thanks).

Now, I have nothing against Christians or their religion and beliefs (my family is Apostolic Christians, who believe it’s mandatory to have the Holy Ghost to go to heaven), I just don’t want them forced upon me, but life’s a bitch and apparently wants this for me. Hopefully, it’ll make me more open in my future about these things. 

So, my mother wanted me to wear this dress she got me. It’s a cute dress and all, and some days I don’t mind wearing feminine clothes as much. However, when everyone compliments you on this new dress constantly, it gets a bit dysphoric. 

Not to mention my youth leader forced me to go to the prayer room. There’s nothing wrong with this woman, I know she’s just following what she believes, but shit I don’t want to pray to Jesus

Oh, and then the pastor (who really is quite a lovely man, honestly the only people I hate that are Christian are the jackasses that are like my parents) preaches is this message about – I quote “real men”. I swear to God, I have never heard such a sexist message in my life! I mean, it sounded like a ftm motivational speech which was nice to me, but it still was fucking sexist as hell

I understand it’s Father’s Day, but give women and children their proper respect as well! 

That’s all my ranting for now. 

Goodnight, peoples!